Bittersweet
by xxArtemisxFowlxx
Summary: Astoria has lived with a consummate jealousy all her life; now she must finally come to terms with it. A Nott/Astoria/Draco love triangle.


I'm back from camp, yay! (Well I have been since Thursday, actually...) Thank-you for all the love you readers showed my stories while I was gone; you're too awesome.

So before you read this story, I just want you to understand that this basically mirrors a lot of how I feel right at the moment; I just changed some details and morphed it into a Harry Potter love-triangle because I think it works quite well. It's told from Astoria's personal point of view, and the end is in the present tense. (Most stories are written in the past, so that's why it make be a bit weird to read)

**Review**? :)

-Jackie

* * *

**Bittersweet  
**_A Nott/Astoria/Draco Story  
_

* * *

Jealousy; I hate it. It's the worst emotion anyone can ever feel, more so than even hatred or depression. In my years I've learned that anger fades with time and can be cured with understanding, just as sadness can be washed away by love; envy, however…envy lingers, always reminding you that someone else has what you want. I'm not talking about a new set of robes or a shiny racing broom; material objects become obsolete with every passing minute of every day.

I'm talking about love.

Every time I see her face a jealous anger boils within me, requiring all my self-restraint to keep from hexing her into oblivion. And it's not that she's intentionally done anything to make me feel this way; there were a few mocking teases when I was younger, but those were only juvenile and have long since faded. No, it's just the mere fact that she's with _him_, and I've wanted to be with _him_ for years. Whenever I see the two together I can somehow stretch a tight smile across my face and walk by without a word, not even a passing glance.

However, I always end up cursing her name and sobbing into my pillow those nights.

The whole situation is made worse by the simple fact that I shouldn't love him at all. In the past he made fun of me way more than she ever had, reducing me to pitiful tears more than once in the girls' lavatory because I knew he'd never see me as anything other than a book-obsessed Ravenclaw girl with acne. Ever since his words have been double-edged swords; no matter how nicely he speaks with me now it only ends up causing pain, because deep down I know that he'll never see me how I want him to…and I'll never be brave enough to tell him.

Sometimes I wish he would go back to teasing me and make me loathe him. I _want_ to hate how he struts about as if he owns the world with that bloody insufferable smirk of his along with those piercing, grey eyes…I don't want to laugh under my breath at his crude jokes or wonder how soft his hair is…or how his thin lips would feel curved against mine…

I _want_ to hate him, but I can't.

So I hate her instead, wishing I could punch her face and pull her hair, though I know it would do no good. She doesn't understand how my insides become twisted every time I hear her complaining to my sister about him, or how I think she's the luckiest girl alive. All I do is smile; smile and tell her how happy I am for her, even though my hands are itching to wring her throat.

Jealousy has ways of affecting other people, too. I've always wondered if Theodore Nott knows that I rarely think of him when we're kissing, or if he knows how damned guilty I feel every time he says he loves me and that I'm the only one he wants to be with. So I lie. I lie and tell him that I love him, too, but I can't bring myself to repeat his other words. Theodore doesn't seem to mind; he only gives me a lovesick grin and kisses me like he was a schoolboy again.

I like to comfort my guilt by telling myself that I'm not _really_ lying; part of me _does_ love him, and all of me wishes I could fully return his affection. He deserves my love far more than Draco…but I can never see him as anything other than a best friend, and because of that I can't bring myself to break his heart. I'm a coward, and I hate it. He deserves someone much better than me-I _did_ tell him that once. As I was expecting, Theodore only shook his head and gave me another boyish grin, saying that I was a beautiful person and that there was no one else he could possibly want.

His words shattered my heart, and it was all I could do to not sob as he kissed me. He sees me as an angel, but I'm anything but.

Maybe that's why I desire Draco more than him; Theodore's so perfect, always wanting to make _me_ happy, no matter his own feelings or wants. I really, truly, deeply want to love him, honestly I do, but this jealousy, this ensnaring, poisonous, and craving envy won't go away even after all these years.

Yesterday, Theodore proposed. Being the weak individual I am who can't bear to hurt someone, I accepted. This morning he's lying next to me, still sleeping soundly. I'm admiring the gorgeous diamond ring now on my left finger, wondering just how long he must have saved up to pay for such a gift. Money has been tight since the war, but he's pulled out all the stops just for me; the girl who wishes he was someone else.

"_The band's silver, since I know you hate gold jewelry. The stone in the middle isn't a sapphire but a blue diamond; a diamond for tradition but blue to bring out your eyes_," Theodore had explained, holding my left hand and pointing. "_Those are opals that surround it; they symbolize hope, purity, and love…the ancient Romans said they were 'children as beautiful as love'_," he had added.

"_This must have cost you a fortune, Theo_."

"_You're more than worth it, Astoria_."

Dear Merlin I don't deserve this ring. I don't deserve his love or him; and I definitely don't deserve to be his wife.

"Good morning," he says sleepily, rolling over to face me. Theodore has lovely, dark brown eyes; even so the awful part of me half-heartedly wishes they were grey.

"Morning," I say softly, running a hand through his already ruffled brown hair. Blonde visions run fleetingly through my head, but I shake them off; now's not the time.

"You're so beautiful, Astoria," he says, this time stroking my hair in return. "I can't believe you're going to be my _wife_…I must be the luckiest man in the world." He closes his eyes and kisses my forehead. I can only shake in disagreement; his words make me feel like the most awful person on the face of this earth.

"I'm the one who's lucky to have you." Finally I tell the truth, but of course he doesn't fully understand what I mean; my previous lies have covered me up well.

"I don't think so; I'm awful," he exaggerates, pulling me against his chest. I close my eyes and try to enjoy his embrace, for once finding a sense of warmth because it _is_ Theodore Nott who's holding me. And while he may not be blonde, confident, and striking, I know he loves me more than anything. While fingering my new engagement ring, I vow to forget my jealousy and come to love him; after all, it's what he's deserved for years.

That's what you have to do sometimes in life, you know: learn to let go.

* * *

That one's probably better if you can relate to it in some way; I hope you enjoyed it.

-Jackie :)


End file.
